Monday Night Raw is live tonight from Montreal, so expect some Bret Hart mentions. The show opens with Roman Reigns coming down to the ring. Michael Cole announces that The Authority is not there because they are on vacation. Roman says that he’s a wanted man in the WWE, but he has a hair trigger. He calls Randy Orton a pawn, and says something disparaging about the other combatants in the Fatal Fourway. The Demon Kane comes down during his promo, and Roman asks if he’s standing in for The Authority. He calls Kane Triple H’s “lapdog,” and “Randy Orton’s bit**.” Kane comes to the ring and the two men go at it. Roman clotheslines Kane over the barricade and the two men fight in the crowd before Kane tosses Roman back into the ringside area. Just as Kane is getting the upper hand, the referees come out to break it up. Kane chokeslams one of them, and then officials in suits (including Fit Finlay and I.R.S.) come to calm things down. Roman spears Fit Finlay and then gives a Superman Punch to Kane. Kane and the officials retreat to the back after that.
Michael Cole announces that Bret Hart will be in the building tonight. I knew it!
The creepy Wyatt Family sound happens and they somehow manifest in the ring as if they were beamed in, Star Trek style. It seems to me that lately they’ve been trying to quell people cheering for the Wyatt Family. Unless, they’re just saving the music and people holding up their phones for Bray, who doesn’t even come out with the rest of the family anymore. The Usos come out, and I guess we’re gonna have a third Uso vs Wyatt match. Great. Michael Cole announces that the number one trend on Twitter is #RomanisRaw. The commentary team banter with each other during the match. See, even they’re tired of this pairing. Thankfully we go to commercial. Back from commercial and I’m still not sports entertained. This group does the same series of moves on each other and I’m not impressed by any of it. Usually there will be one spot that they do in these matches that gets my attention, but it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen here. So, again, Harper clotheslines an Uso and gets the pin. Yawn. The match ending isn’t without controversy as one of the Usos is saying that Harper pinned the wrong Uso. Apparently referee Dan Engler made some mistake. We’ll see what happens later. The creepy jump cut happens and we’re back to normal.
Dean Ambrose vs Randy Orton is announced for tonight. Apparently it’s a rematch from Smackdown.
Backstage Randy Orton is telling Kane that he has his back, and the only reason he wasn’t out there was because he knew Kane could handle himself. Also, he expects Kane to have his back. Seth Rollins come in and says it’s important that they all have each other’s backs and if either man wins the Fatal Fourway, he’ll consider not cashing in right away. As he walks away Orton says that he’s starting to hate that kid. Kane retorts “Not as much as I hate you.” Then he walks away.
Justin Roberts announces that per The Authority the following divas match will be contested with both divas having their hands tied behind their backs. What brought this on? Is Stephanie still trying to screw Nikki Bella? The referee brings out some rope and begins to tie it around Nikki, bondage style.
Alicia Fox, her opponent, is just giddy. Alicia toys with the ref a bit and takes the rope away from him. Instead of getting her arm tied she attacks Nikki Bella and tosses the rope out. Michael Cole speculates that Alicia Fox has orders from Stephanie McMahon, because the referee isn’t doing anything to stop this, as Alicia continues to pound on Nikki. Alicia goes under the ring and pulls out some sodas, and does her Stone Cold Alicia Fox act. She then taunts Nikki as she is walking out of the ring, screaming “Brie Bella! Brie Bella! Save me, Brie Bella!” I love crazy Alicia; I really do.
Rusev is in the ring now waving the Russian flag, and Lana is talking with the Putin image on the Titantron. I really hate the Putin image, only because it’s cheap heat, like WWE doesn’t know how to anger people properly anymore, so they just go for the simplest thing, from a country that hasn’t been considered a world threat since the 80s.
Rob Van Dam interrupts Lana, and he and Rusev get it on like Donkey Kong. You know that Jack Swagger is watching somewhere. Rusev quickly gets the upper hand, and seems to be throwing Van Dam around like a rag doll. For a second it sounds like the Montreal crowd is singing the Canadian national anthem. Then they switch it up to “ole, ole, ole ole.” Is Sami Zayn around somewhere? Next we see an “in the box” video of Uncle Zeb talking about Rusev and how he demands a match, and maybe Rusev didn’t understand his English because he’s yet to accept the challenge. Interestingly, the graphic around the box is an advertisement for Takis, a brand of nasty chips from Mexico.
Rusev puts Van Dam in the camel clutch and RVD has no choice but to tap out. Cole mentions that no one has been able to figure out how to take down the big man yet. The Russian flag rolls down, and for a second Rusev looked like a chubby Yakov Smirnoff standing there in the ring.
Randy Orton comes down for his match against Dean Ambrose. Ambrose comes to the ring and the crowd chants “let’s go Ambrose.” After the two men lockup and tussle a bit, Orton walks out of the ring to regroup and then gets back in the ring. Ambrose works over the left arm of Orton a bit. The pacing of the match is slow with both men getting an equal amount of offense. The pace picks up a bit when Ambrose knocks Orton around, punctuating his set of moves with a wicked dropkick. Then he goes back to work on that left arm on the ground. Orton is able to power out and give Ambrose a clothesline for his troubles. The crowd boos Orton. While he’s distracted by the crowd Ambrose is able to regain the upper hand and clotheslines him out of the ring as we go to commercial.
That new show Married at First Sight looks really stupid.
We come back and Orton is working over Ambrose’s left shoulder by kicking it, and then putting him in an arm bar. Is the pace of this match slow on purpose? Ambrose comes off the ropes after an Irish Whip and is able to DDT Orton. He’s swinging his shoulder trying to get some feeling back into it. The two get into fisticuffs. Ambrose gets Orton into a figure four leglock and the crowd goes “wooo!” Orton forces a break by reaching the ropes. Ambrose looks frustrated. He slinks out of the ring and goes up top and comes down and sort of botches his move because he tried to change in mid air and came down on his feet. Orton takes advantage of the mistake and capitalizes, taking time to pose for the crowd. Ambrose comes back with a clothesline and has come back to life. He throws Orton around the ringside area, tossing him into the barricade. He then gets a bunch of chairs and throws them all into the ring. He rolls Orton back in and then Orton rolls back out. The crowd chants “ECW!” Orton rams Ambrose’s shoulder into the post and changes the course of the match. Orton throws Ambrose over the barricade and then gives him his custom DDT. He gets back in the ring and referee Charles Robinson begins the count. He gets to the count of 9 and Ambrose barely makes it back in the ring.
Orton tries his DDT from the second ropes. Ambrose escapes it, and then avoids the RKO. Ambrose tries to roll him up, but Orton kicks out, turns around and finally connects with the RKO and gets the 1-2-3 pin over Dean Ambrose. Good slow match. These two have some great chemistry in the ring, but it looks like they took forever to find each other’s rhythms.
Renee Young interviews John Cena backstage. She asks him about the pressures he’s facing going into Battleground, and the match he has tonight against Seth Rollins. He cuts his same boring promo, again wearing the two belts around his neck like a doof. Roman Reigns interrupts and wishes Cena good luck. Cena says he doesn’t need luck, and Roman says he will when he faces him in the Fatal Fourway at Battleground.
Fandango is at the commentary booth and announces that he’s in the Battleground battle royal for the Intercontinental Championship. He shimmies for the crowd then sits down. Alberto Del Rio is in the ring awaiting his opponent Dolph Ziggler. Michael Cole asks Fandango how he feels about what happened last week between Summer Rae and Dolph Ziggler. Fandango says he could care less. Cole asks which of his ladies he prefers. Fandango says some days he likes blondes and some days he likes brunettes.
Alberto Del Rio is one crafty dude. He stands on the outside and waits for Dolph to try a baseball slide. He pulls the apron over Ziggler’s leg and gets him caught in the apron, then gives Ziggler his classic slapping side kick. Cole announces that the winner of this match will get a shot at the United States Championship. Del rio gives Ziggler a weird looking reverse suplex where he throws him by the neck. After a near fall he works on Ziggler a bit more. Ziggler tries to give ADR a Zig Zag, but ADR is holding onto the ropes so it fails. Fandango mentions that he is the Fonz of the WWE. Ziggler is able to recover and give ADR a fameasser, which he kicks out of.
Fandango distracts Ziggler by dancing to his music. It’s enough for Del Rio to hit his sidekick and get the victory. Fandango cracks up as Ziggler just lays there. Fandango dances some more and the crowd begins “Fandango-ing” like the old days.
Backstage Stardust is giving a soliloquy to a blonde wig. Goldust comes in and says that no one is as bizarre as they are, and where they are going they won’t need roads (or Rhodes). These guys give me the creeps.
Fandango is slithering around backstage. Leyla approaches and asks what he was doing out there, and if he’s jealous because Dolph kissed Summer? Fandango comforts her with some sweet words and then keeps his eyes fixed on Summer Rae standing in the doorway.
The King comes out and talks about the last time he was in Montreal, making reference to his heart attack. The crowd chants “Jerry, Jerry!” He announces Bret “The Hitman” Hart, his blood rival from the 90s. It sounds like they tweaked his theme music again. Bret comes out and tells the crowd “Merci.” He says no matter what happened in the past it’s always great to be back in Montreal. He says if he could lace up his boots one more time it would be be a match in Montreal. He says he’s getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
Damien Sandow comes out with Bret Hart’s music, dressed like The Hitman. He says he is the real best there is, best there was, and best there ever will be, Damien SandHart. He says he has a regret of his own, and it’s not tapping out to his own submission move from his idol Shawn Michaels. He says he was proud to be from a third world country like Canada. His other regret is not standing in the ring with the great performer Damien Sandow. He gets in Bret’s face as the crowd chants “You suck!” JBL quips that they learned English quick. SandHart says that speaking was never Bret’s strong suit. Bret punches SandHart out of the ring, then picks up the mic and says “No, punching was.” It would appear now that Damien Sandow is Heath Slater from 2012.
This match between Damien SandHart and Sheamus started on the WWE App. SandHart starts using Bret’s moves, like the Side Russian Leg Sweep. He even tries to apply the Sharpshooter on Sheamus. Sheamus gests out of it by pulling SandHart’s beard. I looked away for a minutes, and missed Sheamus putting away SandHart. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he hit him with the Brogue Kick.
Renee Young interview The Miz. Miz says he has a letter from a fan. Is this E3 all over again? He reads it and it says that the writer of the letter was looking forward to and praying that Miz would come back but was disappointed when Jericho beat him up. Miz says he gets thousands of those. He says when it comes to his fist, The Miz is ready for his closeup.
Chris Jericho vs The Miz is next!
The Miz vs Y2J. It looks like Jericho changed his tights to say “Y2J 2014.” Jericho gives Miz some killer Flair chops, and then is able to fling Miz over the top rope. Before he can get back in the ring Jericho drop kicks Miz off the apron from the second rope. Back in the ring Jericho gives Miz a flying bulldog. He’s able to toss Jericho out of the ring when he tries to springboard off the second rope. Miz unloads on Jericho’s face when he’s grounded. Jericho later gives Miz the double axe handle over the face from the top rope then tries to put Miz in the Walls of Jericho, which Miz is able to avoid. Jericho drop kicks Miz, and it leaves him woozy. After a near fall Miz reverses Jericho’s Irish Whip to the corner and kicks him in the shin. Another near fall and Jericho tries to get fancy, eventually it backfires and he gets caught in the figure four. Eventually Miz gets out of it, Jericho punches him in the nose and it’s enough of a distraction for Jericho to make him submit to the Walls of Jericho.
The creepy Wyatt noise happens again.
Bray Wyatt appears, rocking in a Cracker Barrel rocking chair, begging Jericho to save us. And how can he save us when he can’t even save himself. He cuts a nice promo on Y2J, ending it with he’ll “never, eeeeeeveer!” let him forget. He says that his Jerichoholics now cheer for him. Jericho tells him to please shut the hell up. Jericho says he’s gonna come down and beat his ass. The creepy noise sounds again, and Harper and Rowan appear flanking Wyatt. Jericho is left all alone watching the men taunt him. The creepy noise sounds again, and we go to commercial. It would appear that Wyatt is just using the same promos that he did against John Cena. Only this time Jericho will actually let Wyatt beat him.
The Miz is a complete afterthought in all this, by the way.
It looks like The Funkadactyls are still together. They come out and are in the ring. Paige comes down as well. They show footage of her rematch with AJ Lee. Paige grabs the mic and announces AJ Lee to the ring, her tag team partner. The two ladies look very chummy. I smell shenanigans. The commentary team mentions this, as well as Cameron and Naomi having problems.
The match begins and Paige and AJ make frequent tags. Cameron looks so uninterested in the match. At one point Naomi tries to go for a tag but Cameron ignores her. She pulls out lip gloss and starts applying it during the match. She tags herself in and gets hit with the Paige Turner the second she gets in the ring. Paige and AJ shake hands and the two ladies walk away together. Cameron and Naomi are left in the ring arguing. Cameron thumps Naomi on the forehead with her finger then gets in her face. A shoving match begins, and then they get into a full on brawl. Referee Dan Engler tries to break it up but gets shoved away. The two roll around some more before Cameron simply walks away.
Paul Heyman comes down with Cesaro and does his 21-1 spiel. Cesaro grabs the mic and says that the crowd can’t understand him because they don’t speak English. They are French-Canadians. But they don’t even speak French, they speak Portequi, and the actual French people hate them. Cesaro insults the crowd in French, and Kofi Kingston comes down for their weekly match. Remember last week when Cesaro tore him a new one after losing to him? Apparently WWE doesn’t either.
After some Kingston wizardry, Kofi catches Cesaro off guard and pins him for the second week in a row. Cesaro begins to assault Kingston, but before he can Big E. comes down and runs Cesaro and Heyman off.
In the locker room Seth Rollins approaches Cena. He says that just because they have a match together doesn’t mean they can’t have a civilized conversation. Cena puts Rollins over and says he has no guarantees, except for his match against the champion tonight. They both say they’ll see each other out there.
Torito is in the ring with the Matadors. Bo Dallas comes out. Apparently they had beef on Smackdown. Dallas says that he never backs down from a challenge, because he Bo-Lieves! Dallas gets on his knees to get down to Torito’s size. Torito slaps him with his tail, and then his hand. Torito shimmies and then jumps out of the ring. He slaps Bo again, and then Bo gets mad and attacks a Matador. This angers Torito. The two fight, and then Bo gives Torito a Bo-Dog, then gets the pinfall victory. Dallas then does a victory lap after the match, knocking over Torito in the process.
We come back and there is a promo for Monday Night War.
John Cena and Seth Rollins get in the ring. And I think we go to commercial after some in-ring posturing. There is four minutes left in the show at this point. After the break John Cena gives Rollins a one arm back drop. The two men retreat to their corner, Cena runs to Rollins, and Rollins gives him a belly to back suplex. The crowd chants “fruity pebbles.” Rollins taunts Cena by pointing to the briefcase and saying he has the contract.
Cena goes to the top rope and Rollins sidekicks him in the head. After a pinfall attempt Rollins looks frustrated. Cena back to his feet and he starts his Five moves of Doom. After a Five Knuckle Shuffle he sets him up for the AA. Rollins flips out of it and lands on his feet. Cena locks in the STF. Suddenly, Kane appears. Cena jaw jacks with him as he comes down the aisle. Randy Orton comes from behind and attacks Cena. The two men begin mugging Cena. Roman Reigns comes out and Kane goes right for him, and Reigns gives him a Superman Punch, and then turns around and gives one to Orton. Rollins comes alive and whacks Reigns with the briefcase. He does the same thing to Cena, and as Cena lays there unconscious he realizes he can cash in the contract. As he hands over the briefcase Ambrose jumps him, gets him in the ring and clotheslines him out. They fight up the ramp and into the backstage area.
John Cena starts waking up and sees Orton stalking him. He lifts up Orton and gives him an AA, but not before Kane picks him up to give him a chokeslam. He doesn’t deliver it because Roman Reigns spears Kane out of nowhere. Reigns lifts up Cena’s arm in victory, and Cena looks very confused. Cena then returns the favor and lifts Reigns’ arm. The two stare each other down and nod as we fade to black.
Another run of the mill episode of Raw. The only things I really liked here were Alicia Fox beating up Nikki Bella, Damien SandHart, and Randy Orton vs Dean Ambrose. The rest was just the same old regurgitated crap that we keep seeing week after week. I’m also getting sick of the Usos and Bray Wyatt’s promos.